The Thing About Writing: Overcoming Neurobiology, Creating Adrenaline and Finding Self-Discipline

After almost a year...I'm back on the blog scene.

Even now, as I attempt to put font to screen, I feel "the block."

It is so much easier to lean back on the bed and surf for some channel with some sitcom I've seen enough times to not only quote the dialogue, but to place bets on what episode will air before the opening credits are done. This is a most unimpressive feat I've disciplined myself to accomplish, day after day...for decades.

This very second, I want to stop what I'm doing and grab a bowl of toasted oat squares and cold milk...and oops! Just remembered I forgot to call my best friend and about 2 other people...should I do that now? Maybe I'll just text them...

No! No! Stay with it! What if you were on a professional deadline? Could you take a break from your assignment for toasted oats and text messages? Stop it! Drink water. Rein it in.

Great! Now where's that banging noise coming from?!? Either someone in my house is giving our universal audial signal for choking, or building an ark. If they are choking, I might regret not getting up. If it's an ark-in-process, I am really going to be upset: those kinds of projects should really take place out of doors and during morning hours.

Of course, I have also raised the stakes to a ridiculous level by coming back to my blog right in the middle of March Madness. I live in a house with UCONN Husky stalwarts who are currently watching the game...on separate televisions in separate rooms. I myself am a recovering UCONN fanatic, having given my nerves and my vocal chords to this team over a 10-year period. I finally had to seek help. I can resist watching the game...I've done it before...at least most of it...so long as they are way ahead...and no one in my house is screaming...maybe I could just turn the game on and hit the "mute" button...

Ohhh, man. Now they are screaming and clapping. This is not an atmosphere condusive to literary greatness-especially when UCONN just won and...See? See? I am not focusing here.

Any other time, I would be hit with some snippet of burgeoning profundity. The sheer force of its advent would propel me to my laptop and onto my facebook page. There, I would spend the next 5-10 minutes attempting to condense some potential revelatory truth into the required 420 character limit. Now, I am sitting in front of a huge window of my very own, with most of the limits removed, able to say anything I want in as many words as I want...and all I want is cereal.

I am almost sure I know why there is such a dip in my level of passion as I attempt to blog. Facebook provides someone like myself--a woman who is perpetually unfocused and adrenaline-depleted right now--with a shot of instant gratification through immediate feedback.

Think about it: the friends are all right there. Some of them became your fb friends because of what you had to say. The chance of you getting at least one or two "like" responses on a status is pretty high. If you really hit the mark, and it resonates with your fb crew, you could stand to get upwards of 30-40 positive responses. Add to that the potential of at least 10 of those people actually leaving a comment, and engaging in a real conversation with you, and you've got the perfect remedy for lifting the doldrums. Heaven help me if someone actually asks to repost what I posted...Whee! Upsurges of happy serotonin waves of acceptance washing over me! Even if I end up in a disagreement (I honestly do not enjoy the emotional anguish, nor do I tend to recover quickly), at least for that moment I was no longer neurologically inactive.

Blogging, to my thinking, requires more work. Unlike facebook, you have do a little more marketing to get people to visit. Then, once you get people to follow your musings, you suddenly feel this weighty obligation to keep them coming back-and for far more depth of observation than a 420-character blurb (at least that's how I felt; then when I let the blog slide for too long I felt incredibly guilty. Classic Dana.) If you are like me, and attempting to consistently compete in the ultimate trifecta-fb posting, blogging, and tweeting-you may have already come to realize, as I have, that to do all of it well is, at the very least, a part-time job.

Or at least it could be a part-time job...if I keep at it.

A major reason why I'm trying again is to see if this would be a viable option as a source of income. So while I'm breaking through the ice once again on this site, I'm also doing some research on professional bloggers and how they got established.

It's been said more than a few times that the ultimate career objective is to find something you love to do and see if you can get someone to pay you to do it. I have taken on a lot of jobs for pay: some have brought joy; many have not. There have been signposts pointing in this direction for a while. At first, there were sporadic compliments, and a supervisor who encouraged me to consider writing. With the advent of facebook came a vehicle through which my passion found a platform, as well as a real-time education in the potency and personal responsibilities inherent in written communication. More recently, there have been luminiscent indicators and confirmations from the best of sources that told me I should move forward with my writing.

I guess where I get a little catch in my heart is when I consider whether I can maintain the blog consistently and professionally, while still holding onto the transparency, intensity, humor, and verve that makes me unique. While I have found boldness to share on facebook, writing is still an intimate mode of expression for me. There may be work that I will never share with the public, and I always want that to be okay. I never want to lose that enclosed and yet spacious place meant only for God, the words, and my heart.

It is 10:50pm. The UCONN game has been over for quite some time. The environment is nearly free of movement, cheering, or ark-building of any kind. My television is on and watching me. I have not moved from this spot for a single oat square or even a sip of water. I overcame the temptation to concede to the failsafe options I know and perform so well when I feel frustrated with myself. I completed this blog, and I will post it in just moments. Do I feel a sense of great accomplishment? There is definitely a bit of a surge, but in vintage Dana style, I will probably not celebrate it nearly as much as I should. I am going to wait until I've hit the "publish post" button at least a few more times...and actually told other people about it.

I wonder how many people hit "like" on my two most recent facebook statuses?

Until The Next Time, I Remain...

Totally Grace-Dependent
DEFinitively